Control Abandoned
It was a normal night, like any other where I go to bed much too late knowing that my son will wake me much too early. It’s hard to sleep when you know the next few hours are going to be peaceful and uninterrupted. But I finally went to bed and enjoyed the cool night air breezing through my window.
Sometime before daybreak (that being around 4:30am nowadays) I could have sworn someone smacked my leg. It even tingled and stung. I didn’t open my eyes at first because I knew no one was there or, if someone was there, I didn’t want to know. It wasn’t Scott because it was the wrong side of the bed for him to kick me. I thought it could be the dog and then I remembered we didn’t have one yet.
What in the world hit me?! I lay in bed for a few minutes half awake and wondering if something was wrong with my kids until I had to get up and check on them. You have to love a mother’s mind in the wee hours of the morning. No sense, just worry.
Sleeping like logs, my children were warm and safe. I jumped back into bed hoping that the covers still held the warmth I had left. Nope. No such luck for me. I said a little prayer for my kids and I was on my way to sleep again.
Kassandra!
Okay, now I was a little freaked out. Who said my name?
Wide awake once more I wondered if I really was awake at all.
Well, Lord. What’s going on? Do I need to pray for someone? When I can’t find a logical explanation for something, it’s God’s fault, naturally.
So I started going down the list of friends that had been weighing heavy on my heart that week. I had only been awakened to pray once or twice before that I could remember and I was SURE that I wasn’t smacked or called out to for those.
And, Lord, be with anyone I can’t think of or missed. Comfort them and make them aware of your presence.
I started to fall asleep again, comforted by a job well done and… KASSIE!
What!? I was so startled and half annoyed that I didn’t know what to think or even if I was thinking at all.
Here I am, Lord. Use me as you wish. It just came out. All those awake times when God asked me for me I had tripped and stumbled all through those words. Now, in a time of waking slumber I relinquished everything without even thinking.
Oh, man. I’m turning into some psycho who hears things. And I was excited about it!
The next morning, bright and early, my son came bursting into my room right on schedule. He jumped into bed, put his cold feet on my legs and zonked out for another hour. Guess who was bright-eyed and bushy tailed?
I heard the phone ring but I couldn’t believe it was a right number that early in the morning. Then, a little while later it rang again. It was my mom calling from the hospital saying dad was in the ER with the flu, they thought. She sounded a little shaky and I wondered if she would tell me that she needed me there with her.
“Would you like me to come sit with you?” I asked. There was enough of a reply that I knew I should go. Amazingly, I got ready and out of the house in 35 minutes. On the way out Scott asked me why I felt I needed to go if it was just the flu. He knew my dad wouldn’t worry about himself that much.
But as well as I knew my dad wouldn’t be too phased by this event, I knew my mom was running away with worry, like I had been earlier that morning. I knew mom was thinking about when she was last in the hospital and how scared she was. I knew she’d never ask me to come be with her just so she could have some company. I knew she needed to talk about it and eat breakfast and sleep and just get her mind on something other than what she was thinking. (See, there it is again. Thinking always gets in the way!)
I’m glad God works the way he does sometimes. If I were to plan when we would talk I’d never give up control. I’d never feel true abandonment to his will. I would never have prayed for my father (and mother) right at the moment he(she) needed it most. Sometimes it takes turning up my adrenalin and giving me something else to focus on to get me to do what is needed. Control is a nice thing but passing the control on can be even better.
Sometime before daybreak (that being around 4:30am nowadays) I could have sworn someone smacked my leg. It even tingled and stung. I didn’t open my eyes at first because I knew no one was there or, if someone was there, I didn’t want to know. It wasn’t Scott because it was the wrong side of the bed for him to kick me. I thought it could be the dog and then I remembered we didn’t have one yet.
What in the world hit me?! I lay in bed for a few minutes half awake and wondering if something was wrong with my kids until I had to get up and check on them. You have to love a mother’s mind in the wee hours of the morning. No sense, just worry.
Sleeping like logs, my children were warm and safe. I jumped back into bed hoping that the covers still held the warmth I had left. Nope. No such luck for me. I said a little prayer for my kids and I was on my way to sleep again.
Kassandra!
Okay, now I was a little freaked out. Who said my name?
Wide awake once more I wondered if I really was awake at all.
Well, Lord. What’s going on? Do I need to pray for someone? When I can’t find a logical explanation for something, it’s God’s fault, naturally.
So I started going down the list of friends that had been weighing heavy on my heart that week. I had only been awakened to pray once or twice before that I could remember and I was SURE that I wasn’t smacked or called out to for those.
And, Lord, be with anyone I can’t think of or missed. Comfort them and make them aware of your presence.
I started to fall asleep again, comforted by a job well done and… KASSIE!
What!? I was so startled and half annoyed that I didn’t know what to think or even if I was thinking at all.
Here I am, Lord. Use me as you wish. It just came out. All those awake times when God asked me for me I had tripped and stumbled all through those words. Now, in a time of waking slumber I relinquished everything without even thinking.
Oh, man. I’m turning into some psycho who hears things. And I was excited about it!
The next morning, bright and early, my son came bursting into my room right on schedule. He jumped into bed, put his cold feet on my legs and zonked out for another hour. Guess who was bright-eyed and bushy tailed?
I heard the phone ring but I couldn’t believe it was a right number that early in the morning. Then, a little while later it rang again. It was my mom calling from the hospital saying dad was in the ER with the flu, they thought. She sounded a little shaky and I wondered if she would tell me that she needed me there with her.
“Would you like me to come sit with you?” I asked. There was enough of a reply that I knew I should go. Amazingly, I got ready and out of the house in 35 minutes. On the way out Scott asked me why I felt I needed to go if it was just the flu. He knew my dad wouldn’t worry about himself that much.
But as well as I knew my dad wouldn’t be too phased by this event, I knew my mom was running away with worry, like I had been earlier that morning. I knew mom was thinking about when she was last in the hospital and how scared she was. I knew she’d never ask me to come be with her just so she could have some company. I knew she needed to talk about it and eat breakfast and sleep and just get her mind on something other than what she was thinking. (See, there it is again. Thinking always gets in the way!)
I’m glad God works the way he does sometimes. If I were to plan when we would talk I’d never give up control. I’d never feel true abandonment to his will. I would never have prayed for my father (and mother) right at the moment he(she) needed it most. Sometimes it takes turning up my adrenalin and giving me something else to focus on to get me to do what is needed. Control is a nice thing but passing the control on can be even better.
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Love you - MOM